Broken Hallelujah

Another anthem of my heart from the past year. 

"Broken Hallelujah"

(The Afters)

I can barely stand right now.

Everything is crashing down,

And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.

I don't always know what to say,

But You're the One that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what Your Plan is,

I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your Name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.

You know the story of every tear.

'Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what Your Plan is,

I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your Name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.

Let me always sing Hallelujah

When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

Are You There God? It's Me, Kelly.

Are You there God?  It’s me, Kelly.  Remember me?  The girl who used to get up every morning and spend time with You, talk to You non-stop all day long, ask for Your help and guidance in everything I did, even the smallest of things?  The girl who drew even closer to You during the rough times, chattered to You excitedly with a grateful heart about the good times?  The girl who relied fully on You, no matter what I faced every day?  Oh dear, God.  It’s me, Kelly.

I know You’re still there, God.  It’s me who put this distance between us.  But I’m ready to talk now. 

Last year was a horrible year.  A terrible, awful year.  God, the tragedies that smashed through my life and the lives of those I love were horrendous.  Last year was a wrecking ball – my heart, my soul, my life, they will never be the same.  The loss and pain of 2014 threatened to overtake me.  The river of sorrow runs deep.  My voice finally stopped wailing, but my heart has not. 

My precious daughter Elizabeth and my wonderful son-in-law Christopher experienced a devastation no parent should ever face, the death of their child, Katlyn River.

When doctors at Vanderbilt gave us the bad news about River, I was SURE that You would heal their baby girl in such a miraculous way that both her parents would see Your power.   I was CERTAIN the miracle would draw them to You.  I just KNEW that family, friends, and even strangers would come to know You through Your healing touch on her life.  I was excitedly anticipating how You would show Your power in such a miraculous way that no medical person in all of Vanderbilt could deny Your divine intervention. 

Lord, I prayed until I couldn’t pray anymore.   Hundreds joined me in prayer.  I had faith that would move a mountain, Lord.  I was sure You would heal my grandbaby, God!

But God, You didn’t.  You didn’t heal our beloved baby girl, Katlyn River.  Oh.  God.

There’s more, God.  What about my pastor?  David Landrith.  My friend.  The best boss I ever had.  One of the finest men I have ever known.  I would have charged a hill in battle for him; run through a wall for him.  In March of 2013, David was diagnosed with a rare, fatal form of cancer.

Lord, David was amazing.  He loved You and Your people with all his heart, his soul, his mind.  He loved Your people so much that his concern for them kept him up nights.  He used the platform You gave him to the very best of his ability to proclaim Your name to the ends of the earth.  He, along with the leadership team You placed alongside him at Long Hollow, looked tirelessly for Your activity and leaped at the chance to join You at work.  God, David Landrith lived his life for Your glory.  He gave You everything he had.  He always left everything on the field.   Lord, as much as he hated to do it, David was even transparent with his cancer, that last journey of faith You took him on.  He willingly allowed You to use even those dark days for Your glory.

God, I was 100% certain that You would heal David Landrith.  I never wavered in that faith, Lord.  Clearly you couldn’t possibly be done with him yet.  There is so much work yet to be done!  Greater things are yet to come!

Oh Father.  David died.  Why didn’t You heal him? 

Lord, I confess I have been so upset with You.  I almost wish I had been angry.   Anger might have cleared my head sooner, settled my emotions more quickly, moved me down this path back to You in a shorter time.  Instead I was stunned and confused.  Shocked and bewildered.  Frustrated.  Devastated. 

Lord, these losses ravaged my soul.   I would never turn from You, but Father, I have kept You at arm’s length when I needed You the most.  I treated You more like a friend I used to be close to than my God, my Savior, my King.  Oh. God.  I am so sorry.

Father, I owe You an amends.  I was wrong to let anything come between us, to start pulling back from You, as if I couldn’t trust You anymore.   I deeply regret it and I don’t want distance between us ever again.  I need You desperately. 

Lord, while my heart still aches with the pain of loss, and this side of heaven I may never understand why these things happened, I do know this.  I know You are good.  I know You haven’t forgotten a single one of us.  I know You have a perfect plan for each one of our lives.  And I know the pain and loss of this world grieves You far more than I can understand.  I want to be close to You again.  I can’t bear the pain of life without walking close to You.

I need Thee every hour; every hour I need Thee.  And God, I can finally say this about 2014 and mean it, it is well with my soul.   

Lord, thank You for pursuing me relentlessly and never giving up on me.  Thank You that You will never leave me or forsake me.  I trust that in time You will heal my broken heart.  Thank You for loving me.  I love You too.

Love,

Kelly 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Horatio Spafford

Run? Are You Kidding Me?

If you know me and know my love of sports, know I'm fairly active, and know I played sports as a kid, you might think I'm a runner. I assure you, that couldn't be farther from the truth!

I try to save the feeling "hate" for hate-worthy things like cancer and Alzheimer's, but I VERY MUCH DISLIKE running.  

I briefly played basketball as a kid, junior pro and what not, but the year my junior high girls team went full court, that's the year I gave up basketball.  Too.  Much.  Running.

I was active.  I played fast-pitch softball for years, summer ball and high school ball, and I loved it.  But running?  Blech.  On the rare occasion that our coach made us run, I was a puker.  I'd have to stop and throw up.  My side hurts so bad it feels like a machete has been shoved under my rib cage.  Running the bases?  I almost literally groaned when I hit a triple. Too far to run!  I've been envious for years of my brother and dad who both love to run.  But kids, I am not a runner.

This year I turned 50.  My life isn't where I had planned it to be.  Lots of shattered dreams, hopes, plans.  Birthdays have never meant much to me, but this year I wanted to do something to mark the year.  Last year I did a foolish thing and declared I was going to do a half marathon in 2014.  If only I hadn't said it out loud!  Why would I want to do something I not only don't like, but I won't be any good at?!  David Landrith, I blame you.  Ever since you ran that marathon, I've been thinking about it.

I'm ridiculously competitive.  As a kid, I confess I never did anything that I couldn't be really good at.  Yeah, I'm still that kid.  I can't stand to lose.  So why would I want to run? I can't win!

2014 rolled in, and that ridiculous half marathon declaration kept haunting me.  In typical Kelly fashion, I procrastinated.  I missed the first marathon opportunity, the Country Music Marathon. Thankfully there was another one, the Women's Half Marathon benefiting breast cancer, so I still had hope to get it done.  But I kept putting it off.  I didn't sign up at the last possible minute, but nearly.

Two or three weeks ago I told my family about my intentions and my niece asked me, "Have you trained?"  Uhhhhhh. No?  I didn't train.  I was going to walk it.  Who needs to train to walk?  I'm a walking MACHINE!  But Emily, you got me thinking.  Thank you for that challenging question.

I finally got around to reading my confirmation email for the race.  I can walk this thing, right?  Yes, you can walk it.  But.  Under FAQs, I read this statement.  "All participants MUST complete the course within the course time limit."  Wait, what???  It went on to tell me I would be picked up by a TAIL VEHICLE if I went too slow.  Are you kidding me?  I did the math - clearly I was going to have to RUN a lot of this race if I was going to finish!  Uh oh.  I think I should have trained.

I decided I would rather die than be picked up by the TAIL VEHICLE (yes, ridiculously dramatic, that's me).  And if I finished close to last?  Ha!  Have I mentioned that I'm competitive?  Clearly I will never win a race, ever.  I don't run.  But I decided I needed to finish as close to three hours as I possibly could. I decided under 3:15 was my personal mark to beat. 

I set three other goals.  Yesterday, at 7am, I started my first race, ever.  By God's grace...

• I didn't throw up.
• I didn't get picked up by the dreaded trail car.
• I didn't quit.

And I finished in 3:05.

I'm a Little...Worn

Music...continues to speak to my soul...continues to be the cry of my heart.

Today on the drive to church, I heard a song by Tenth Avenue North that I had somehow not heard before.  The song is called "Worn."

In some ways, I hesitate to post such a somber song, with such somber lyrics.  I need people to know of God's goodness, His faithfulness, how He has never left me, how He sends me daily reminders that He hasn't forgotten me.  I want you to know how much God loves me, and He loves you, and what wonderful plans He has for our lives.

But you know, it doesn't mean that every day is easy.  If you have hard days, and I know you do, I want you to know that I do too.  Yes, God is still good.  Yes, God cares about me and for me deeply. Yes, He knows right where I am.  My faith has not wavered.  Even so, right now, today, I feel a little...Worn.  

God never wastes a hurt.  I'm trusting that someone out there needs to read this, to hear this song, to read these lyrics.



Tenth Avenue North - Worn (Official Music Video) from tenth-avenue-north on GodTube.

"Worn"
by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

All my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

I Blinked...and Three Years Went By

Three.  Years.  Wow.  Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future... you better believe it.  Time and tide, all that. 

Three years ago my life changed dramatically.  I say this not to focus on the past and grieve the losses.  Nope.  I say this to remind myself to be ever conscious of the journey since then; of God's amazing love, His goodness, His faithfulness.

Has it been easy? Ha! No way.  There have been some days that gut-wrenching pain was the only feeling I had.

From school, do you remember the phrase cogito ergo sum?  I think, therefore I am?  I remember one night spending some time figuring out the Latin for "I hurt, therefore I am."  Pretty silly, yes.  But  it gave me peace to fully acknowledge that the pain was threatening to pull me under.

Consider this. By acknowledging the pain, I was able to see that by God's grace I was still hanging in there.  I hurt, therefore I am gave me a good jumping off point to go to God with my pain.  Our lives are a beautiful offering to God, even when all we have to offer is our pain.

Then from that point of acknowledgement, the realization that yes, the pain is so bad, LORD, what a beautiful place for God to find me, love me well (Oh, how He loves us!) and take me to another place of truth.... 2 Cor 4:8-9  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
  
Read those words again.  Let them sink in.  Let them soothe your hurting heart.  We are not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed.  God.  Is.  Faithful.  As Christ-followers, we never ever walk through the pain of life alone.

If you go back to my very first post, I explain how much music means to me, how it speaks to my heart.  Music is one of the most beautiful threads in the fabric of my life.  The soundtrack of my life plays in my head without ceasing.  

Here's what's been in my head these past few weeks.  Sorry Matt Redman, I don't hear you singing it.  I hear Brooke Voland from my church.  Thank you, Brooke, for dedicating your gifts and talents to Kingdom work.  I wish there was a video out there I could link to so you could hear her sing it too.  

But here's a link to Matt singing it...equally awesome.  And lyrics below.  Stand on this. Yes, it's a tough journey.  Awful, at times.  But never once do we ever walk alone.  God is faithful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=722zPX1npcA

"Never Once"

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

 

My Dad

Not a very creative title, I know.  But late on a Father's Day night, I'm keeping things simple.

I want you to know how my dad spent his Father's Day. By knowing that, you'll understand a lot about the unbelievable servant's heart he has.  My whole life I have watched my dad do for others quietly, selflessly, tirelessly.  He models so well the servant's heart of Christ.  Even now, at 79 years old, he has not stopped giving of himself.

Today is Father's Day.  On a day when every Hallmark card and every advertisement you see screams for dads to take it easy, put their feet up, have a cold one, live it up, do nothing, do something for themselves, whatever it takes to make them happy, let me tell you what MY dad did.

My parents recently gave me a riding lawn mower.  I haven't had a chance to mow yet, but now that I'm not working on Sundays, I'm ready to start.  I don't remember ever using a riding mower before, so I wasn't even sure how to start it.

Today after church, my dad (and mom, but I should've told you how wonderful she is on Mother's Day) came to my house, dressed and ready for yard work.  Dad patiently showed me how to start and use the lawn mower, and while I made my feeble first attempt to mow my somewhat holey, rocky, mole-infested yard, he worked, while all the while keeping a careful eye on me. He weed-eated (weed-ate? who the heck knows).  He picked up sticks. He trimmed my trees.  He spent half the afternoon serving ME, on HIS day.

Yes, later this evening we all got together for a nice meal and some good family fun, but what I'll remember about this day and so many countless others is how well my dad loves people by serving them.

Daddy, thank you for loving me so well.

Mark 10:45
Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.

No Regrets, Part Deux

I mean really, do you have time to maintain all these regrets?  Aren't we living in a lost and dying world surrounded by people who need to know about Jesus?

Stop wasting time.  Go love.  Go tell the world about Jesus.