Are You There God? It's Me, Kelly.

Are You there God?  It’s me, Kelly.  Remember me?  The girl who used to get up every morning and spend time with You, talk to You non-stop all day long, ask for Your help and guidance in everything I did, even the smallest of things?  The girl who drew even closer to You during the rough times, chattered to You excitedly with a grateful heart about the good times?  The girl who relied fully on You, no matter what I faced every day?  Oh dear, God.  It’s me, Kelly.

I know You’re still there, God.  It’s me who put this distance between us.  But I’m ready to talk now. 

Last year was a horrible year.  A terrible, awful year.  God, the tragedies that smashed through my life and the lives of those I love were horrendous.  Last year was a wrecking ball – my heart, my soul, my life, they will never be the same.  The loss and pain of 2014 threatened to overtake me.  The river of sorrow runs deep.  My voice finally stopped wailing, but my heart has not. 

My precious daughter Elizabeth and my wonderful son-in-law Christopher experienced a devastation no parent should ever face, the death of their child, Katlyn River.

When doctors at Vanderbilt gave us the bad news about River, I was SURE that You would heal their baby girl in such a miraculous way that both her parents would see Your power.   I was CERTAIN the miracle would draw them to You.  I just KNEW that family, friends, and even strangers would come to know You through Your healing touch on her life.  I was excitedly anticipating how You would show Your power in such a miraculous way that no medical person in all of Vanderbilt could deny Your divine intervention. 

Lord, I prayed until I couldn’t pray anymore.   Hundreds joined me in prayer.  I had faith that would move a mountain, Lord.  I was sure You would heal my grandbaby, God!

But God, You didn’t.  You didn’t heal our beloved baby girl, Katlyn River.  Oh.  God.

There’s more, God.  What about my pastor?  David Landrith.  My friend.  The best boss I ever had.  One of the finest men I have ever known.  I would have charged a hill in battle for him; run through a wall for him.  In March of 2013, David was diagnosed with a rare, fatal form of cancer.

Lord, David was amazing.  He loved You and Your people with all his heart, his soul, his mind.  He loved Your people so much that his concern for them kept him up nights.  He used the platform You gave him to the very best of his ability to proclaim Your name to the ends of the earth.  He, along with the leadership team You placed alongside him at Long Hollow, looked tirelessly for Your activity and leaped at the chance to join You at work.  God, David Landrith lived his life for Your glory.  He gave You everything he had.  He always left everything on the field.   Lord, as much as he hated to do it, David was even transparent with his cancer, that last journey of faith You took him on.  He willingly allowed You to use even those dark days for Your glory.

God, I was 100% certain that You would heal David Landrith.  I never wavered in that faith, Lord.  Clearly you couldn’t possibly be done with him yet.  There is so much work yet to be done!  Greater things are yet to come!

Oh Father.  David died.  Why didn’t You heal him? 

Lord, I confess I have been so upset with You.  I almost wish I had been angry.   Anger might have cleared my head sooner, settled my emotions more quickly, moved me down this path back to You in a shorter time.  Instead I was stunned and confused.  Shocked and bewildered.  Frustrated.  Devastated. 

Lord, these losses ravaged my soul.   I would never turn from You, but Father, I have kept You at arm’s length when I needed You the most.  I treated You more like a friend I used to be close to than my God, my Savior, my King.  Oh. God.  I am so sorry.

Father, I owe You an amends.  I was wrong to let anything come between us, to start pulling back from You, as if I couldn’t trust You anymore.   I deeply regret it and I don’t want distance between us ever again.  I need You desperately. 

Lord, while my heart still aches with the pain of loss, and this side of heaven I may never understand why these things happened, I do know this.  I know You are good.  I know You haven’t forgotten a single one of us.  I know You have a perfect plan for each one of our lives.  And I know the pain and loss of this world grieves You far more than I can understand.  I want to be close to You again.  I can’t bear the pain of life without walking close to You.

I need Thee every hour; every hour I need Thee.  And God, I can finally say this about 2014 and mean it, it is well with my soul.   

Lord, thank You for pursuing me relentlessly and never giving up on me.  Thank You that You will never leave me or forsake me.  I trust that in time You will heal my broken heart.  Thank You for loving me.  I love You too.

Love,

Kelly 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Horatio Spafford