I Blinked...and Three Years Went By

Three.  Years.  Wow.  Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future... you better believe it.  Time and tide, all that. 

Three years ago my life changed dramatically.  I say this not to focus on the past and grieve the losses.  Nope.  I say this to remind myself to be ever conscious of the journey since then; of God's amazing love, His goodness, His faithfulness.

Has it been easy? Ha! No way.  There have been some days that gut-wrenching pain was the only feeling I had.

From school, do you remember the phrase cogito ergo sum?  I think, therefore I am?  I remember one night spending some time figuring out the Latin for "I hurt, therefore I am."  Pretty silly, yes.  But  it gave me peace to fully acknowledge that the pain was threatening to pull me under.

Consider this. By acknowledging the pain, I was able to see that by God's grace I was still hanging in there.  I hurt, therefore I am gave me a good jumping off point to go to God with my pain.  Our lives are a beautiful offering to God, even when all we have to offer is our pain.

Then from that point of acknowledgement, the realization that yes, the pain is so bad, LORD, what a beautiful place for God to find me, love me well (Oh, how He loves us!) and take me to another place of truth.... 2 Cor 4:8-9  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
  
Read those words again.  Let them sink in.  Let them soothe your hurting heart.  We are not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed.  God.  Is.  Faithful.  As Christ-followers, we never ever walk through the pain of life alone.

If you go back to my very first post, I explain how much music means to me, how it speaks to my heart.  Music is one of the most beautiful threads in the fabric of my life.  The soundtrack of my life plays in my head without ceasing.  

Here's what's been in my head these past few weeks.  Sorry Matt Redman, I don't hear you singing it.  I hear Brooke Voland from my church.  Thank you, Brooke, for dedicating your gifts and talents to Kingdom work.  I wish there was a video out there I could link to so you could hear her sing it too.  

But here's a link to Matt singing it...equally awesome.  And lyrics below.  Stand on this. Yes, it's a tough journey.  Awful, at times.  But never once do we ever walk alone.  God is faithful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=722zPX1npcA

"Never Once"

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

 

My Dad

Not a very creative title, I know.  But late on a Father's Day night, I'm keeping things simple.

I want you to know how my dad spent his Father's Day. By knowing that, you'll understand a lot about the unbelievable servant's heart he has.  My whole life I have watched my dad do for others quietly, selflessly, tirelessly.  He models so well the servant's heart of Christ.  Even now, at 79 years old, he has not stopped giving of himself.

Today is Father's Day.  On a day when every Hallmark card and every advertisement you see screams for dads to take it easy, put their feet up, have a cold one, live it up, do nothing, do something for themselves, whatever it takes to make them happy, let me tell you what MY dad did.

My parents recently gave me a riding lawn mower.  I haven't had a chance to mow yet, but now that I'm not working on Sundays, I'm ready to start.  I don't remember ever using a riding mower before, so I wasn't even sure how to start it.

Today after church, my dad (and mom, but I should've told you how wonderful she is on Mother's Day) came to my house, dressed and ready for yard work.  Dad patiently showed me how to start and use the lawn mower, and while I made my feeble first attempt to mow my somewhat holey, rocky, mole-infested yard, he worked, while all the while keeping a careful eye on me. He weed-eated (weed-ate? who the heck knows).  He picked up sticks. He trimmed my trees.  He spent half the afternoon serving ME, on HIS day.

Yes, later this evening we all got together for a nice meal and some good family fun, but what I'll remember about this day and so many countless others is how well my dad loves people by serving them.

Daddy, thank you for loving me so well.

Mark 10:45
Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.

No Regrets, Part Deux

I mean really, do you have time to maintain all these regrets?  Aren't we living in a lost and dying world surrounded by people who need to know about Jesus?

Stop wasting time.  Go love.  Go tell the world about Jesus.

No Regrets

If I had to name one single word that defines how I have looked at my life, historically speaking as well as from one minute to the next, it would be regret.  Seriously.  Regret.  At times I have allowed regret to consume me, to paralyze me, to shame me, and ultimately, to neutralize me to be used to the fullest in God's kingdom.

I've regretted everything from parenting mistakes to buying the wrong shirt at Kohls.  Every. Single. Day. I have regretted SOMETHING.

Today, my pastor, David Landrith, shared a statistic with us that made me realize that I am not alone.  First he said that the number one felt and expressed emotion is love.  Well, that's good.  Love is certainly the most fundamental for Christ-followers.  God's been working with me on that one too.  But the number two?  Regret.  You guys have regrets too?  Seriously?  All this time I thought I was alone!

A regret-filled life is a life that is focused the wrong direction - the past.  Plus, it's ridiculously self-absorbed.  I'm not saying there are no lessons to be learned from past mistakes.  Heck no.  But if I am so consumed by past regrets that I'm missing where God is leading me TODAY, regret is standing between me and moving forward with God's plan for my life.  Frankly, it's sin.  And I'm sick to death of it.  Despite my desire to be different, I really haven't taken many steps to put it in my rearview mirror.

I have made a decision.  I am resolving to be different.  I am going to stop living a regret-filled life.

Goodness knows I can't be different on my own.  I've tried doing everything on my own, which is a theme for a whole 'nother day.

God does the work in us; He provides the power for us to walk it out.  He provides the grace to let our past go.  It's a total work of the God yes, but remember we choose to position ourselves for change.  We choose to surrender.  We say yes to God.  I'm saying yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord...yep, the music in my head is shouting that song!

Well, I know I'm walking with baby steps, but kids, I'm moving forward.  You coming?

I don't have time to maintain these regrets...when I think about the way...He loves us...Oh how He loves us so.

John Mark McMillan

"How He Loves"

Lessons Learned In State Custody

I quit one of my three part-time jobs last week. And brotha, it felt wonderful.

I've made a lot of jokes over the last 14 months about how my state job was state prison, how my cube was a jail cell, how I was hoping for parole or early release, that I was going over the wall...you name it, I've joked about it. And it wasn't a fun place. But the reality is, God had me there for a reason. I knew it from the beginning, and I never doubted His sovereign hand.

One day several months ago, I jotted down on a couple of yellow sticky notes some of the things that God was teaching me there. Tonight I made a half-hearted stab at cleaning out the bug (which again looks like it is the mobile home for a homeless person), and I found this short list. It's fairly random, and doesn't hang together well, but it's a part of my journey.

My list is certainly not all-inclusive; my goodness in that incubator God taught me so much it makes my head spin to think about. I've got PILES of lists and sticky notes and stuff I've written down during that experience. Whew! Like my pastor is fond of saying, many days it was like drinking water from a fire hydrant. But let me throw down this one stone of remembrance now, lest I forget what God taught me.

1. To hear from God, I needed to quiet the noise of my life.
   Yes, I've been working a ton to hold down three jobs, but my mind has been free to focus on God, especially in the state job. God SPEAKS, kids, and if we'll get quiet enough, we'll hear Him. I guarantee it.
   
   
2. I learned to love and pray for those who persecute me.
   My boss was a bully, and he persecuted me regularly. It took about a month for the shock to wear off and for me to start praying for him, and longer still for me to love him. But I got there.
    
3. I learned to trust God to be my defender.
   That one took a minute. I was treated unjustly by said bully quite a bit, and I wanted to spring to my defense. But God made it clear that I was to keep still. He even reminded me of a scripture my friend Cindy shared with me some time ago, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to remain still." (Exodus 14:14)
    
4. I learned to believe what God says about me, not what someone else says.
   That one has been ongoing for a while - it started when I was able to attend a few sessions of Beth Moore's Believing God study.  Same boss; didn't say nice things. I'm not who he said I was. I made huge progress.
    
5. I learned to rely on God instead of myself.
   This one really was slow in being revealed and harder for me to wrap my head around. Self-reliance is something we revere in this country, especially in the south. Our culture puts a lot of value on self-reliance. Self-reliance had become a huge idol for me. I had whole areas of my life that I had closed off to God. "I got this." Not now. No way. I am becoming completely God-reliant.
    
6. I learned how to wait, and I understand now who I am waiting on. I am waiting on the LORD.
    
7. My joy and my strength comes from the LORD.
   Sunday School 101, I know. But I wasn't walking that out. I was looking to others and to my circumstances for joy and strength and more. When my life fell apart, and all I had was the LORD, I realized He is all I need.
    
8. God really does work out the fruits of the spirit in us. We can't gut them out in our own strength.
   Again, 101 stuff, but I finally get that. If you know me at all, you know I have the patience of a two-year old. But as I wait, through the power of God's Holy Spirit, I am at rest. I am patient. I have had joy in the absolute hardest time of my life. I am at peace when my life has been turned upside down. And I believe I am slowly but surely learning to love God's people well.

Random Thoughts From This Week...

• I definitely have become that crazy cat lady.
• When the pressure is on, deadlines start rolling by, and the blame game begins, finger-pointing adults engage in the most amazing rendition of the school yard "Not it!"
• God, in His sovereignty, positions people in your life to be there right when you need them the most. Thank you, Cindy Carter, for being one of those people. And happy birthday!
• Sweet potato fries are still amazing.
• Every thirsty deer in the Goodlettsville area is apparently stopping by to drink water out of the big tote in my back yard.
• God has not only swelled my heart like the Grinch's to grow my love for people, He is making a hugger out of me.
• I LOVE it when the good guy wins.
• Lastly, while getting yourself locked out of someone's house in your pajamas is a really, REALLY, bad thing, it has the potential to become a truly legendary story.

Things I Said I'd Never Do

I'm prone to both hyperbole and all or nothing thinking, neither of which I'd recommend.  I end up eating my words, a LOT.  And if I sat down and started listing my "never gonnas," oh my.  The list would be long.

Here's a very short list of some things off the top of my head JUST RELATED TO TECHNOLOGY that I've said I'd never do:


I'll never...

• Have an answering machine.  Why would I need one?
  
• Get caller id.  Remember you used to have to buy that little display thingy that hooked to your phone or buy an expensive phone with a display?  Why would I screen calls? Ha.
  
• Replace my tape deck with a CD player and buy a single CD.  Even though I had already disposed of my turntable and 8-track player, I was apparently going to draw THAT line in the sand.
  
• Own a cell phone, except possibly for emergencies only.  Yeah, that statement makes total sense now.  All I HAVE is a cell phone.
  
• Text, except to my daughter because she seems to be able to communicate better with me that way.  Right.  I probably send as many texts as your teenager.
  
• Own a cell phone with a camera.  Take pictures with a cell phone?  Never.  Are you kidding me? Love cell phone cameras.

Here's a good one.  I'm never...

• Going to tweet.  Ha!  I am amazed that I have any followers left at all that haven't dropped me for tweeting too much.
• Going to blog.  I have nothing to say worth hearing.  Well, that may be true, but I'm saying it anyway.
  

Here's one I said recently, quietly, and told no one, even when they told me differently.  It isn't related to technology.  It's related to letting people love me.  I struggle mightily with that.  Do you?

"I'm never going to let anyone come over and help me put stuff back in order in the part of my home that was flooded."  A dear friend in my small group said it to me months and months ago and I just smiled knowing full well I wasn't going to let that happen.  Right now I'm working three jobs and I don't have time, but eventually I'll have some discretionary time in my life and I'll do it.  Myself.  All by myself.  By myself.

Well kids, my small group is coming. TODAY.

We've all got our past "nevers."  It can be funny looking back.  But when it comes to down to life and relationships and where God might be leading you, be careful saying never.  You might be saying no to God.  God always has a plan.  His ways are not our ways.  And you better believe, His ways are better.