Broken Hallelujah

Another anthem of my heart from the past year. 

"Broken Hallelujah"

(The Afters)

I can barely stand right now.

Everything is crashing down,

And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.

I don't always know what to say,

But You're the One that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what Your Plan is,

I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your Name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.

You know the story of every tear.

'Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what Your Plan is,

I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your Name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.

Let me always sing Hallelujah

When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

Are You There God? It's Me, Kelly.

Are You there God?  It’s me, Kelly.  Remember me?  The girl who used to get up every morning and spend time with You, talk to You non-stop all day long, ask for Your help and guidance in everything I did, even the smallest of things?  The girl who drew even closer to You during the rough times, chattered to You excitedly with a grateful heart about the good times?  The girl who relied fully on You, no matter what I faced every day?  Oh dear, God.  It’s me, Kelly.

I know You’re still there, God.  It’s me who put this distance between us.  But I’m ready to talk now. 

Last year was a horrible year.  A terrible, awful year.  God, the tragedies that smashed through my life and the lives of those I love were horrendous.  Last year was a wrecking ball – my heart, my soul, my life, they will never be the same.  The loss and pain of 2014 threatened to overtake me.  The river of sorrow runs deep.  My voice finally stopped wailing, but my heart has not. 

My precious daughter Elizabeth and my wonderful son-in-law Christopher experienced a devastation no parent should ever face, the death of their child, Katlyn River.

When doctors at Vanderbilt gave us the bad news about River, I was SURE that You would heal their baby girl in such a miraculous way that both her parents would see Your power.   I was CERTAIN the miracle would draw them to You.  I just KNEW that family, friends, and even strangers would come to know You through Your healing touch on her life.  I was excitedly anticipating how You would show Your power in such a miraculous way that no medical person in all of Vanderbilt could deny Your divine intervention. 

Lord, I prayed until I couldn’t pray anymore.   Hundreds joined me in prayer.  I had faith that would move a mountain, Lord.  I was sure You would heal my grandbaby, God!

But God, You didn’t.  You didn’t heal our beloved baby girl, Katlyn River.  Oh.  God.

There’s more, God.  What about my pastor?  David Landrith.  My friend.  The best boss I ever had.  One of the finest men I have ever known.  I would have charged a hill in battle for him; run through a wall for him.  In March of 2013, David was diagnosed with a rare, fatal form of cancer.

Lord, David was amazing.  He loved You and Your people with all his heart, his soul, his mind.  He loved Your people so much that his concern for them kept him up nights.  He used the platform You gave him to the very best of his ability to proclaim Your name to the ends of the earth.  He, along with the leadership team You placed alongside him at Long Hollow, looked tirelessly for Your activity and leaped at the chance to join You at work.  God, David Landrith lived his life for Your glory.  He gave You everything he had.  He always left everything on the field.   Lord, as much as he hated to do it, David was even transparent with his cancer, that last journey of faith You took him on.  He willingly allowed You to use even those dark days for Your glory.

God, I was 100% certain that You would heal David Landrith.  I never wavered in that faith, Lord.  Clearly you couldn’t possibly be done with him yet.  There is so much work yet to be done!  Greater things are yet to come!

Oh Father.  David died.  Why didn’t You heal him? 

Lord, I confess I have been so upset with You.  I almost wish I had been angry.   Anger might have cleared my head sooner, settled my emotions more quickly, moved me down this path back to You in a shorter time.  Instead I was stunned and confused.  Shocked and bewildered.  Frustrated.  Devastated. 

Lord, these losses ravaged my soul.   I would never turn from You, but Father, I have kept You at arm’s length when I needed You the most.  I treated You more like a friend I used to be close to than my God, my Savior, my King.  Oh. God.  I am so sorry.

Father, I owe You an amends.  I was wrong to let anything come between us, to start pulling back from You, as if I couldn’t trust You anymore.   I deeply regret it and I don’t want distance between us ever again.  I need You desperately. 

Lord, while my heart still aches with the pain of loss, and this side of heaven I may never understand why these things happened, I do know this.  I know You are good.  I know You haven’t forgotten a single one of us.  I know You have a perfect plan for each one of our lives.  And I know the pain and loss of this world grieves You far more than I can understand.  I want to be close to You again.  I can’t bear the pain of life without walking close to You.

I need Thee every hour; every hour I need Thee.  And God, I can finally say this about 2014 and mean it, it is well with my soul.   

Lord, thank You for pursuing me relentlessly and never giving up on me.  Thank You that You will never leave me or forsake me.  I trust that in time You will heal my broken heart.  Thank You for loving me.  I love You too.

Love,

Kelly 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Horatio Spafford

Run? Are You Kidding Me?

If you know me and know my love of sports, know I'm fairly active, and know I played sports as a kid, you might think I'm a runner. I assure you, that couldn't be farther from the truth!

I try to save the feeling "hate" for hate-worthy things like cancer and Alzheimer's, but I VERY MUCH DISLIKE running.  

I briefly played basketball as a kid, junior pro and what not, but the year my junior high girls team went full court, that's the year I gave up basketball.  Too.  Much.  Running.

I was active.  I played fast-pitch softball for years, summer ball and high school ball, and I loved it.  But running?  Blech.  On the rare occasion that our coach made us run, I was a puker.  I'd have to stop and throw up.  My side hurts so bad it feels like a machete has been shoved under my rib cage.  Running the bases?  I almost literally groaned when I hit a triple. Too far to run!  I've been envious for years of my brother and dad who both love to run.  But kids, I am not a runner.

This year I turned 50.  My life isn't where I had planned it to be.  Lots of shattered dreams, hopes, plans.  Birthdays have never meant much to me, but this year I wanted to do something to mark the year.  Last year I did a foolish thing and declared I was going to do a half marathon in 2014.  If only I hadn't said it out loud!  Why would I want to do something I not only don't like, but I won't be any good at?!  David Landrith, I blame you.  Ever since you ran that marathon, I've been thinking about it.

I'm ridiculously competitive.  As a kid, I confess I never did anything that I couldn't be really good at.  Yeah, I'm still that kid.  I can't stand to lose.  So why would I want to run? I can't win!

2014 rolled in, and that ridiculous half marathon declaration kept haunting me.  In typical Kelly fashion, I procrastinated.  I missed the first marathon opportunity, the Country Music Marathon. Thankfully there was another one, the Women's Half Marathon benefiting breast cancer, so I still had hope to get it done.  But I kept putting it off.  I didn't sign up at the last possible minute, but nearly.

Two or three weeks ago I told my family about my intentions and my niece asked me, "Have you trained?"  Uhhhhhh. No?  I didn't train.  I was going to walk it.  Who needs to train to walk?  I'm a walking MACHINE!  But Emily, you got me thinking.  Thank you for that challenging question.

I finally got around to reading my confirmation email for the race.  I can walk this thing, right?  Yes, you can walk it.  But.  Under FAQs, I read this statement.  "All participants MUST complete the course within the course time limit."  Wait, what???  It went on to tell me I would be picked up by a TAIL VEHICLE if I went too slow.  Are you kidding me?  I did the math - clearly I was going to have to RUN a lot of this race if I was going to finish!  Uh oh.  I think I should have trained.

I decided I would rather die than be picked up by the TAIL VEHICLE (yes, ridiculously dramatic, that's me).  And if I finished close to last?  Ha!  Have I mentioned that I'm competitive?  Clearly I will never win a race, ever.  I don't run.  But I decided I needed to finish as close to three hours as I possibly could. I decided under 3:15 was my personal mark to beat. 

I set three other goals.  Yesterday, at 7am, I started my first race, ever.  By God's grace...

• I didn't throw up.
• I didn't get picked up by the dreaded trail car.
• I didn't quit.

And I finished in 3:05.

I'm a Little...Worn

Music...continues to speak to my soul...continues to be the cry of my heart.

Today on the drive to church, I heard a song by Tenth Avenue North that I had somehow not heard before.  The song is called "Worn."

In some ways, I hesitate to post such a somber song, with such somber lyrics.  I need people to know of God's goodness, His faithfulness, how He has never left me, how He sends me daily reminders that He hasn't forgotten me.  I want you to know how much God loves me, and He loves you, and what wonderful plans He has for our lives.

But you know, it doesn't mean that every day is easy.  If you have hard days, and I know you do, I want you to know that I do too.  Yes, God is still good.  Yes, God cares about me and for me deeply. Yes, He knows right where I am.  My faith has not wavered.  Even so, right now, today, I feel a little...Worn.  

God never wastes a hurt.  I'm trusting that someone out there needs to read this, to hear this song, to read these lyrics.



Tenth Avenue North - Worn (Official Music Video) from tenth-avenue-north on GodTube.

"Worn"
by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

All my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

I Blinked...and Three Years Went By

Three.  Years.  Wow.  Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future... you better believe it.  Time and tide, all that. 

Three years ago my life changed dramatically.  I say this not to focus on the past and grieve the losses.  Nope.  I say this to remind myself to be ever conscious of the journey since then; of God's amazing love, His goodness, His faithfulness.

Has it been easy? Ha! No way.  There have been some days that gut-wrenching pain was the only feeling I had.

From school, do you remember the phrase cogito ergo sum?  I think, therefore I am?  I remember one night spending some time figuring out the Latin for "I hurt, therefore I am."  Pretty silly, yes.  But  it gave me peace to fully acknowledge that the pain was threatening to pull me under.

Consider this. By acknowledging the pain, I was able to see that by God's grace I was still hanging in there.  I hurt, therefore I am gave me a good jumping off point to go to God with my pain.  Our lives are a beautiful offering to God, even when all we have to offer is our pain.

Then from that point of acknowledgement, the realization that yes, the pain is so bad, LORD, what a beautiful place for God to find me, love me well (Oh, how He loves us!) and take me to another place of truth.... 2 Cor 4:8-9  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
  
Read those words again.  Let them sink in.  Let them soothe your hurting heart.  We are not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed.  God.  Is.  Faithful.  As Christ-followers, we never ever walk through the pain of life alone.

If you go back to my very first post, I explain how much music means to me, how it speaks to my heart.  Music is one of the most beautiful threads in the fabric of my life.  The soundtrack of my life plays in my head without ceasing.  

Here's what's been in my head these past few weeks.  Sorry Matt Redman, I don't hear you singing it.  I hear Brooke Voland from my church.  Thank you, Brooke, for dedicating your gifts and talents to Kingdom work.  I wish there was a video out there I could link to so you could hear her sing it too.  

But here's a link to Matt singing it...equally awesome.  And lyrics below.  Stand on this. Yes, it's a tough journey.  Awful, at times.  But never once do we ever walk alone.  God is faithful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=722zPX1npcA

"Never Once"

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

 

My Dad

Not a very creative title, I know.  But late on a Father's Day night, I'm keeping things simple.

I want you to know how my dad spent his Father's Day. By knowing that, you'll understand a lot about the unbelievable servant's heart he has.  My whole life I have watched my dad do for others quietly, selflessly, tirelessly.  He models so well the servant's heart of Christ.  Even now, at 79 years old, he has not stopped giving of himself.

Today is Father's Day.  On a day when every Hallmark card and every advertisement you see screams for dads to take it easy, put their feet up, have a cold one, live it up, do nothing, do something for themselves, whatever it takes to make them happy, let me tell you what MY dad did.

My parents recently gave me a riding lawn mower.  I haven't had a chance to mow yet, but now that I'm not working on Sundays, I'm ready to start.  I don't remember ever using a riding mower before, so I wasn't even sure how to start it.

Today after church, my dad (and mom, but I should've told you how wonderful she is on Mother's Day) came to my house, dressed and ready for yard work.  Dad patiently showed me how to start and use the lawn mower, and while I made my feeble first attempt to mow my somewhat holey, rocky, mole-infested yard, he worked, while all the while keeping a careful eye on me. He weed-eated (weed-ate? who the heck knows).  He picked up sticks. He trimmed my trees.  He spent half the afternoon serving ME, on HIS day.

Yes, later this evening we all got together for a nice meal and some good family fun, but what I'll remember about this day and so many countless others is how well my dad loves people by serving them.

Daddy, thank you for loving me so well.

Mark 10:45
Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.

No Regrets, Part Deux

I mean really, do you have time to maintain all these regrets?  Aren't we living in a lost and dying world surrounded by people who need to know about Jesus?

Stop wasting time.  Go love.  Go tell the world about Jesus.

No Regrets

If I had to name one single word that defines how I have looked at my life, historically speaking as well as from one minute to the next, it would be regret.  Seriously.  Regret.  At times I have allowed regret to consume me, to paralyze me, to shame me, and ultimately, to neutralize me to be used to the fullest in God's kingdom.

I've regretted everything from parenting mistakes to buying the wrong shirt at Kohls.  Every. Single. Day. I have regretted SOMETHING.

Today, my pastor, David Landrith, shared a statistic with us that made me realize that I am not alone.  First he said that the number one felt and expressed emotion is love.  Well, that's good.  Love is certainly the most fundamental for Christ-followers.  God's been working with me on that one too.  But the number two?  Regret.  You guys have regrets too?  Seriously?  All this time I thought I was alone!

A regret-filled life is a life that is focused the wrong direction - the past.  Plus, it's ridiculously self-absorbed.  I'm not saying there are no lessons to be learned from past mistakes.  Heck no.  But if I am so consumed by past regrets that I'm missing where God is leading me TODAY, regret is standing between me and moving forward with God's plan for my life.  Frankly, it's sin.  And I'm sick to death of it.  Despite my desire to be different, I really haven't taken many steps to put it in my rearview mirror.

I have made a decision.  I am resolving to be different.  I am going to stop living a regret-filled life.

Goodness knows I can't be different on my own.  I've tried doing everything on my own, which is a theme for a whole 'nother day.

God does the work in us; He provides the power for us to walk it out.  He provides the grace to let our past go.  It's a total work of the God yes, but remember we choose to position ourselves for change.  We choose to surrender.  We say yes to God.  I'm saying yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord...yep, the music in my head is shouting that song!

Well, I know I'm walking with baby steps, but kids, I'm moving forward.  You coming?

I don't have time to maintain these regrets...when I think about the way...He loves us...Oh how He loves us so.

John Mark McMillan

"How He Loves"

Lessons Learned In State Custody

I quit one of my three part-time jobs last week. And brotha, it felt wonderful.

I've made a lot of jokes over the last 14 months about how my state job was state prison, how my cube was a jail cell, how I was hoping for parole or early release, that I was going over the wall...you name it, I've joked about it. And it wasn't a fun place. But the reality is, God had me there for a reason. I knew it from the beginning, and I never doubted His sovereign hand.

One day several months ago, I jotted down on a couple of yellow sticky notes some of the things that God was teaching me there. Tonight I made a half-hearted stab at cleaning out the bug (which again looks like it is the mobile home for a homeless person), and I found this short list. It's fairly random, and doesn't hang together well, but it's a part of my journey.

My list is certainly not all-inclusive; my goodness in that incubator God taught me so much it makes my head spin to think about. I've got PILES of lists and sticky notes and stuff I've written down during that experience. Whew! Like my pastor is fond of saying, many days it was like drinking water from a fire hydrant. But let me throw down this one stone of remembrance now, lest I forget what God taught me.

1. To hear from God, I needed to quiet the noise of my life.
   Yes, I've been working a ton to hold down three jobs, but my mind has been free to focus on God, especially in the state job. God SPEAKS, kids, and if we'll get quiet enough, we'll hear Him. I guarantee it.
   
   
2. I learned to love and pray for those who persecute me.
   My boss was a bully, and he persecuted me regularly. It took about a month for the shock to wear off and for me to start praying for him, and longer still for me to love him. But I got there.
    
3. I learned to trust God to be my defender.
   That one took a minute. I was treated unjustly by said bully quite a bit, and I wanted to spring to my defense. But God made it clear that I was to keep still. He even reminded me of a scripture my friend Cindy shared with me some time ago, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to remain still." (Exodus 14:14)
    
4. I learned to believe what God says about me, not what someone else says.
   That one has been ongoing for a while - it started when I was able to attend a few sessions of Beth Moore's Believing God study.  Same boss; didn't say nice things. I'm not who he said I was. I made huge progress.
    
5. I learned to rely on God instead of myself.
   This one really was slow in being revealed and harder for me to wrap my head around. Self-reliance is something we revere in this country, especially in the south. Our culture puts a lot of value on self-reliance. Self-reliance had become a huge idol for me. I had whole areas of my life that I had closed off to God. "I got this." Not now. No way. I am becoming completely God-reliant.
    
6. I learned how to wait, and I understand now who I am waiting on. I am waiting on the LORD.
    
7. My joy and my strength comes from the LORD.
   Sunday School 101, I know. But I wasn't walking that out. I was looking to others and to my circumstances for joy and strength and more. When my life fell apart, and all I had was the LORD, I realized He is all I need.
    
8. God really does work out the fruits of the spirit in us. We can't gut them out in our own strength.
   Again, 101 stuff, but I finally get that. If you know me at all, you know I have the patience of a two-year old. But as I wait, through the power of God's Holy Spirit, I am at rest. I am patient. I have had joy in the absolute hardest time of my life. I am at peace when my life has been turned upside down. And I believe I am slowly but surely learning to love God's people well.

Random Thoughts From This Week...

• I definitely have become that crazy cat lady.
• When the pressure is on, deadlines start rolling by, and the blame game begins, finger-pointing adults engage in the most amazing rendition of the school yard "Not it!"
• God, in His sovereignty, positions people in your life to be there right when you need them the most. Thank you, Cindy Carter, for being one of those people. And happy birthday!
• Sweet potato fries are still amazing.
• Every thirsty deer in the Goodlettsville area is apparently stopping by to drink water out of the big tote in my back yard.
• God has not only swelled my heart like the Grinch's to grow my love for people, He is making a hugger out of me.
• I LOVE it when the good guy wins.
• Lastly, while getting yourself locked out of someone's house in your pajamas is a really, REALLY, bad thing, it has the potential to become a truly legendary story.

Things I Said I'd Never Do

I'm prone to both hyperbole and all or nothing thinking, neither of which I'd recommend.  I end up eating my words, a LOT.  And if I sat down and started listing my "never gonnas," oh my.  The list would be long.

Here's a very short list of some things off the top of my head JUST RELATED TO TECHNOLOGY that I've said I'd never do:


I'll never...

• Have an answering machine.  Why would I need one?
  
• Get caller id.  Remember you used to have to buy that little display thingy that hooked to your phone or buy an expensive phone with a display?  Why would I screen calls? Ha.
  
• Replace my tape deck with a CD player and buy a single CD.  Even though I had already disposed of my turntable and 8-track player, I was apparently going to draw THAT line in the sand.
  
• Own a cell phone, except possibly for emergencies only.  Yeah, that statement makes total sense now.  All I HAVE is a cell phone.
  
• Text, except to my daughter because she seems to be able to communicate better with me that way.  Right.  I probably send as many texts as your teenager.
  
• Own a cell phone with a camera.  Take pictures with a cell phone?  Never.  Are you kidding me? Love cell phone cameras.

Here's a good one.  I'm never...

• Going to tweet.  Ha!  I am amazed that I have any followers left at all that haven't dropped me for tweeting too much.
• Going to blog.  I have nothing to say worth hearing.  Well, that may be true, but I'm saying it anyway.
  

Here's one I said recently, quietly, and told no one, even when they told me differently.  It isn't related to technology.  It's related to letting people love me.  I struggle mightily with that.  Do you?

"I'm never going to let anyone come over and help me put stuff back in order in the part of my home that was flooded."  A dear friend in my small group said it to me months and months ago and I just smiled knowing full well I wasn't going to let that happen.  Right now I'm working three jobs and I don't have time, but eventually I'll have some discretionary time in my life and I'll do it.  Myself.  All by myself.  By myself.

Well kids, my small group is coming. TODAY.

We've all got our past "nevers."  It can be funny looking back.  But when it comes to down to life and relationships and where God might be leading you, be careful saying never.  You might be saying no to God.  God always has a plan.  His ways are not our ways.  And you better believe, His ways are better.

My Favorite Cinderella Story

Bet you think this a hoops blog, don't you. Yes, there were some pretty awesome Cinderella stories in the just-ended NCAA basketball tourney, but this ain't one of them.

ONE of my favorite Cinderella stories is Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella starring Lesley Ann Warren. It was almost before my time (1965), but because of an older sister, I learned the words to most every song. Ask me and I'll sing them for you, won't I, Cindy Carter.

Side note...I looked this particular Cinderella up on IMDB to see if there were any stars I didn't remember, but nope. I loved it mostly because my sister loved it.  And more importantly, a week from Friday, my big sis is taking me to the Schermerhorn to see this very musical, presented by Show Hope. Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman and Show Hope are doing incredible work in the area of adoption. If you are interested in attending the event, you can read more about that exciting evening here.  And my beloved sister Terri, if  you are reading this, I am fired up about going!!

But. Still not my favorite Cinderella story.

Jeff Lemmonds, I know you're hoping for a Disney connection, but nope. Not so much. Love Disney and love Disney's Cinderella, and wish I were standing next to her amazing castle right this minute, but still not my favorite Cinderella.

I've even felt like my own life has sort of been a Cinderella story lately. But...nope. Not my favorite.

I LOVE my southern heritage. And being born and raised in Nashville, I fully embrace my redneck roots. In that redneck tradition, growing up I religiously watched Hee Haw. Okay those of you close to my age may be starting to smile now.  You're remembering. I know David Landrith knows where I'm going with this.

Old people like me, watch it.  You've forgotten how funny it is, I promise.  Young folks, it's old school, but you may pee your pants laughing. Forgive the quality...it's the only one I could find "really quick."

THIS is my favorite Cinderella story...

The Hardest Year of My Life

This week, beginning with my birthday last Sunday, bookends what has absolutely been the hardest year of my life.  (I wanted to use the word unequivocally instead of absolutely, but I can’t even pronounce it).  But on the hardest year stuff…believe me, with all the ridiculous decisions I made as a young adult, there is some stiff competition for that title.  Trust me.  I’ve had other rough years.  This one tops them all.  The bad news just kept coming.  The details don’t matter – you’ve been through tough times of your own.  You know what I’m talking about.  Life.  Was.  Hard.  Many of you have been used by God to help carry me through, and I can never thank you enough.

But let’s get back to my premise and title:  The Hardest Year of My Life.  Note I said the hardest year, not the worst year.  In fact, as I reflect back on this year and all God has done in my life, I can say without hesitation, this has been the best year of my life.

How crazy is that?  How does that even make sense?

God.  Only God.  How like God to turn conventional wisdom on its ear and turn what could have been my darkest hour into something beautiful.  His Word promises that; why am I so surprised that He has shown me His Word is true? 

Let me chase a rabbit for a minute.  The crash in my life had been building for a while, but the beginning of the worst of it started this time last year, on my birthday weekend.  Birthdays…I don’t like ‘em.  Birthdays have never meant a lot to me, even as a kid.  Gifts rank zero on my love language scale.  I don’t like the attention; even now, as old as I am, being sung to over a cake is hard because everyone is staring at me.  As a child they were just another opportunity for me to be nervous and awkward at my own party.

A few years ago, I gained a new outlook for birthdays. Christian author and speaker Angela Thomas came to my church, Long Hollow Baptist, and spoke at our women’s event.  One takeaway that I had from that weekend was a new and fresh way to look at birthdays.  Angela challenged us to take that one day a year to reflect back on the previous 365 days and ask ourselves a question:  Do I look more like Jesus today than I did a year ago?

Well kids, I’ve been asking myself that question ever since.  Thankfully, every year I’ve been able to say, yes, I do look more like Jesus.  Sometimes big steps; sometimes incremental.  And while forward motion is always good, I have really craved some bigger movements toward God.  Some growth spurts, so to speak.

This past Sunday, when I asked myself the question, “Do I look more like Jesus than I did a year ago,” I smiled.  I beamed.  Yes.  I do.  This year, I made a quantum leap toward God. (Elizabeth I used the term quantum leap just for you).

This year I have been completely overwhelmed by the heart of God.  The depth and breadth of His love takes my breath away.  His mercy and grace have sustained me, provided all that I needed.  He has carried me, loved me, healed my heart, directed my paths, and oh so much more.  A year ago, I was unraveling, coming apart at the seams.  Since that time, God has restored my very life.  He has led me by quiet waters.  He sings songs over me.  He has breathed life back into me.  He has truly been the lover of my soul.  And ultimately, God has beckoned me onward. 

So.  Those two thoughts.  Best yet hardest year of my life and I’m walking closer with God than ever before.   Let’s go to God’s Word.

God has walked me through a TON of scripture this year, but this one has probably resonated with me the most, especially in recent months.

1 Peter 4:13  ~  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.

When we are able to keep our eyes on God, fully relying on His grace and mercy, continuing to rejoice in Him, even in the midst of hard times, God’s glory is revealed in us.  Isn’t that crazy good?  Even during the hardest year of my life, I know that I know that I know that God is not only healing me, lifting me up, loving me, providing for me, and so much more… He is also using me to advance the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  And THAT, my friends, is the source of my inexplicable joy.  THAT is the reason why this has been the best year of my life.

I don’t want my life to be about me ever, ever again.  Francis Chan put it this way:  “The point of my life is to point to God.”

I know; land the plane.  Here’s the takeaway.

How about you?  You are either going through something really hard now or you can bet something will come along soon.  I hate it, but it’s a fact.  We live in a fallen world; that’s just the way it is, kids.  The good news is that we don’t have to go through it alone, and if we surrender to Him, God will use it for His glory.

What are you going to do in your suffering?  I’m not making light of pain.  My pain is awful and I’m sure yours is too!  But what you do with it is up to you.  Are going to let God use the pain to draw you closer to Him?  Because ultimately, in addition to all He will do to heal you and redeem your life, God didn’t cause your pain, but He wants to use it to draw you and others closer to Him.

When you suffer well, trusting, focusing, and waiting on God, He not only heals your hurts, He uses it to point a lost and dying world to Himself, our healer, redeemer, our LORD.  I’m not talking about some stoic, fake, self-reliant, “I can get through this,” stuff.  I’m talking about looking to God, relying completely on Him, trusting Him, BELIEVING Him, and surrendering fully to Him.  Give it ALL to God.

When God’s glory is revealed in you, He accomplishes His purposes.  Lives are changed – yours most of all.  God tells us in John 16:33, “In this world, you WILL have trouble” (emphasis mine).  But don’t miss the rest of that verse.  “Take heart! I have overcome the world.”  Keep your eyes on God.  He’s got you.  He loves you. He will get you through.  He will redeem your life.

As for me, I don’t know where God is leading me.  But I do know these things.  God loves me.  It is by God’s grace and mercy that I am standing at all.  He sent His son not only to save me with His gift of eternal life, He also saves me every…single…day.  God is ever about the business of redeeming my life.  He has a perfect plan for my life.  As God continues to lead me onward, without hesitation, I’m going to follow.

"Really Quick" Story

The "really quick" in quotes in the blog title has nothing to do with my story.  I include those words in homage to Jason Dyba, Long Hollow's media mad man. As one of his volunteer team, I am compelled to pepper my speech with those words.

But I digress.  No time for rabbit chasing if I'm truly going to be "really quick."

Wait. One more rabbit trail. I. Ran. Today. My family, who knows me very well, may have actually gasped aloud at those three words. Let me explain. I HATE to run. Truly. I've always been active, to a point, but I do not run. Walk fast Jeff Lemmonds style, yes. Run, no. I played softball from an early age until I left home for college. Loved it. But I would literally groan if I hit more than a double. Run three bases? Help us. No. And by the way, this has nothing to do with my story either, other than telling you why I found myself on this beautiful Sunday afternoon at Moss Wright Park.

Okay. I live just up the street from Moss Wright Park. As a matter of fact, my home backs up to the park. Can't get to it that way, but in the summer, from my deck I can hear the umpires and cracks of the bat from the very back ball field.

"Really quick" background. Last spring, when much of Nashville and surrounding area found itself under water or affected by flooding, my home got flooded.  On Sunday, when the dams were released, the water in my back yard rose from a few inches to four feet in about an hour.  I only say that in case you don't know this so that the rest of my "really quick" story will make sense. All is well now, but that is a whole nuther story which is an amazing God story that is not "really quick" in the slightest.

To tell you today's tale, for dramatic flair, I'm going to change tenses.  Awkward present tense, here we come. English teachers, get ready to cringe.

Here's the "really quick" story.

I am on the path that circles the park and goes by Mansker Creek in the back of the park.  As a non-runner, I am gasping and probably dying, so I stop running. I am walking, looking to my left at the nearly dry creek and across the banks. The trees are bare and I have an unobstructed view of...wow... that's my neighborhood.  No, wait.  That's my street.  (Yes, I know I said I know my house backs up to the park, but I don't always connect dots very well; it's a curse.)

In the distance, I spot my house. I can barely breathe. I glance down in front of me at gentle Mansker Creek, making happy noises as it flows. It's a few inches deep, at best.

My eye looks from the creek bed to the four foot line of my house. The height is ridiculous. How could this creek have risen to such heights?  Are you kidding me?  40 feet?  Maybe 50?  I'm a terrible judge of height, but it is an absurd distance from that creek bed to four feet up the side of my house. 

Then I remember once again, as God showed me a few months ago, as the innocent creek flows, I am barely a mile from the homes near JP2 that were literally under water.  Barely a mile from the portion of the bypass that was literally under water.  Those people lost everything.  Everything.  They barely got out in time and were thankful to be alive.  And they are oh so close to me as the crow flies.  In the summer, when the creek goes totally dry, I could jog up the creek to them. In fact, maybe I should.

I am thankful all over again that I didn't lose everything.

I think of the Israelites.  They were instructed to pile up stones as a reminder to their children that the Lord had done an amazing work. These stone of remembrance provided a reminder during hard times that God is near and active.  I've long since piled up stones of remembrance on this one, for sure. God is near, and wow, He is active. But I have often wished I had a visual for my mental pile of stones. I love a good visual.

Between where I stand in the park and my back yard, on the far bank amongst the bits of flood debris still in evidence, I see a big blue Metro trash can.  Might even be my trash can.  I have no idea whose can ended up in my yard.

Ha!  I love it.  The big blue trash can.  There's my pile of stones. I hope it stays there forever.  Today I claim that big blue trash can as my stone of remembrance. Here I raise my Ebenezer!

Thanks for taking this journey with me. God is good, God is faithful, and He is sovereign.

1 Samuel 7:12 ~ Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the LORD has helped us.”

FedEx Fast-Talking Man

Remember this guy?

It's Tuesday Night

It's Tuesday night.  I should be at Bible study.

For the last eight or nine years, as I've been able, I've spent my Tuesday nights with a precious group of ladies, studying God's Word.  Last Friday I attended the homegoing of my eighty-eight year old Bible-study teacher, Mrs. Martha Del Elkins.  Bitter.  Sweet. 

Mrs. Del taught me and challenged me and loved on me in ways I will never, ever forget.  Her gentle but persistent prodding is absolutely the reason why the beginning of my days are dedicated to spending time with the Lord.  Mrs. Del prayed for my pastor by name every day, even though she's never met him.  Even after suffering more than one stroke, she knew more scripture by heart than I will ever know.  In recent years, as she was less able to get around, Mrs. Del spent, literally, hours in prayer every single day.  Hours.  Really.

Del Elkins left the kind of legacy we should all want to leave.  The words spoken at her funeral were so mesmerizing that I found myself frantically taking notes on my phone.  Mrs. Del has impacted my life in more ways than I can say, and I've known her less than a decade.  I was absolutely blown away by the stories that were told.  As much as is humanly possible, she lived an utterly selfless life.  Over the course of her life, Martha Del Elkins poured into hundreds if not thousands of lives. 

My pastor frequently challenges us as Christians that we should never be tempted to "run out the clock."  We need to "leave it all on the field."  Mrs. Del absolutely left it all on the field. 

Remember that old song, "Thank You," by Ray Boltz?  Someone sang it at her funeral.  Yep, I bawled.  There's no doubt in my mind, people whose lives were changed are STILL lining up in heaven to tell Martha Del Elkins "thank you for giving to the Lord."

It's Tuesday night.  I miss you, Mrs. Del.  See you again soon.

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep him in perfect peace,
      Whose mind is stayed on You,
      Because he trusts in You.

Christmas Came... After All

My family.  Oh, my crazy, amazing, wonderful family.

What did they do?  I'm glad you asked.

Here's a little back story.  I'll keep it simple. To sum up, my life is in a bit of a mess right now.   I'm working one million jobs (to be heard in Dr. Evil's voice, and yes, I am hyperbole-prone), I'm too broke to pay attention, and I am alone.  Throw in the fact that we lost 99% of our Christmas treasures in the flood (when Mansker Creek decided to come in the house, a whole 'nother story) and you might surmise correctly that it wasn't beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here...and no plan to change that.  No time, no money, and what's the point.

And you need to know, that's a pretty big departure from the norm.  We do Christmas pretty large in this house.  Also notice the word "treasures" in describing Christmas stuff.  Every single item had a special meaning.  Trust me.  TREASURES.  Because of the post-flood outpouring of love and help from my church family, there were many precious items carefully salvaged and saved, but I hadn't quite yet had the guts to examine what remained because I didn't want to acknowledge yet what was lost.  Yeah, yeah, I need counseling.  I'm in denial.  Whatev. This has been hard!

Okay, you are up to speed now. 

So.  I left for work on Sunday afternoon, leaving some family members in my home, moving in a large piece of furniture from my brother's house.  Hated to leave but had to go.

Flash forward several hours to when I got off work.  My daughter (who set in motion from Denver this little Christmas scheme) wanted me to call her on the way home.  The pretense was to tell me about her weekend, but when I got home, I saw the real reason.

In my living room, in front of the big window overlooking the back yard, sat the most beautiful tree I have ever seen.  Fully decorated with blazing lights, old treasures saved from the flood, and carefully handpicked new treasures bought for me by my family.  Special meanings all over the place.  AND not just handpicked and bought.  They ALL came over and decorated this tree, with their own two hands. 

Are you kidding me?  Who does that?  I'll tell you who.  My family.  My crazy, amazing, wonderful family.

Ready for the Thanksgiving segue?

I am so thankful for my family!

I. Am. Compelled.

My church, Long Hollow Baptist, is in the middle of a "thing." I hesitate to call it a sermon series, because it's oh so much more than that.  Let's call it...a movement.

I don't know where I'm going with this post, but I'm so excited about being compelled I just want to talk it through a bit.

2 Corinthians 14 says,  "For Christ’s love compels us..."

Well, does it?  Are you so overwhelmed by Christ's love that you are compelled to share it?

The single most important message the world needs to know from us is that Jesus saves.  Jesus.  Saves.  Has your life been so radically changed by the Good News of Jesus Christ that you can't stop talking about all He's done for you?  Have you shared anything with anyone today?  Have you shared that news with anyone, EVER?

Ouch. 

Our Next Generation Pastor, Jeff Lovingood often says that we have forgotten just how "lost" lost is.  He's right.  I know I do it all the time.  I've forgotten that I've been not only snatched from the pit of hell, I've also been rescued from a life of sin and death.  My life right here on planet earth has been utterly transformed by the Gospel.  AND I'm going to spend eternity with God in Heaven.  Oh my gosh.  Why am I not telling everyone in sight?  Have I gotten over all that God has done for me?  Don't I care about others who need to know too?

My Senior Pastor, David Landrith, frequently puts it this way.  People matter to God, and they ought to matter to us.

Do people matter to you?  What are you doing about it?

So.  If you are a Long Hollow-ite, and you've been hearing this series these last few weeks, I know you are not unmoved.  God's stirring something in your heart, isn't He. Please tell me you aren't one of those people who are looking sideways at your neighbor in church making sure they are "getting this."  This message is for YOU!

What is God compelling you to do?

----

You can read more about living compelled here, and I hope you'll also consider watching or listening to one of my pastor's messages from this series.  As far as I'm concerned, he's the most gifted communicator of God's Word I've ever heard.  You'll like him.  And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that. 

While I'm Waiting

In the mind-numbingly boring job situation I find myself in - the day job - my mind is free to roam wild.  If you follow me on twitter, you know I find plenty of stuff to crack me up.  Believe me, I haven't begun to scratch the surface.  That place is surreal.  Stay tuned.

One of the really good things I like about the place is that I am able to listen to music all day long.  I love music.  I told you early in this blog that music is the language of my heart.  Most mornings, I listen to the local Christian radio station, The Fish.

"While I'm Waiting," by John Waller, has played a zillion times.  It's a popular tune, right?  But for some reason, I have never really heard it.  Not that I wasn't aware of it.  I just wasn't singing along to it, crying out with it, humming it all day, worshiping a holy God through it.  It hasn't done that thing that songs do and speak to my heart.  No offense, John Waller.

But.  Last week I heard the lyrics for the first time, really heard them.  Wow.  I can't believe I didn't write them myself.

Lord, let me always wait...just like this.

While I'm Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Short but Sweet

Before you groan and start asking for chocolate or talking about your sad Gigi's action, you gotta believe me on this one.  The sweet potato cupcake from The Cupcake Collection is a little taste of heaven.  I'm convinced of that.  Surely there will be a platter of sweet potato cupcakes just inside the pearly gates.

Next time maybe I can force myself to wait to eat them long enough to take a picture...but probably not.