I've made a lot of jokes over the last 14 months about how my state job was state prison, how my cube was a jail cell, how I was hoping for parole or early release, that I was going over the wall...you name it, I've joked about it. And it wasn't a fun place. But the reality is, God had me there for a reason. I knew it from the beginning, and I never doubted His sovereign hand.
One day several months ago, I jotted down on a couple of yellow sticky notes some of the things that God was teaching me there. Tonight I made a half-hearted stab at cleaning out the bug (which again looks like it is the mobile home for a homeless person), and I found this short list. It's fairly random, and doesn't hang together well, but it's a part of my journey.
My list is certainly not all-inclusive; my goodness in that incubator God taught me so much it makes my head spin to think about. I've got PILES of lists and sticky notes and stuff I've written down during that experience. Whew! Like my pastor is fond of saying, many days it was like drinking water from a fire hydrant. But let me throw down this one stone of remembrance now, lest I forget what God taught me.
- To hear from God, I needed to quiet the noise of my life.
Yes, I've been working a ton to hold down three jobs, but my mind has been free to focus on God, especially in the state job. God SPEAKS, kids, and if we'll get quiet enough, we'll hear Him. I guarantee it.
- I learned to love and pray for those who persecute me.
My boss was a bully, and he persecuted me regularly. It took about a month for the shock to wear off and for me to start praying for him, and longer still for me to love him. But I got there.
- I learned to trust God to be my defender.
That one took a minute. I was treated unjustly by said bully quite a bit, and I wanted to spring to my defense. But God made it clear that I was to keep still. He even reminded me of a scripture my friend Cindy shared with me some time ago, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to remain still." (Exodus 14:14)
- I learned to believe what God says about me, not what someone else says.
That one has been ongoing for a while - it started when I was able to attend a few sessions of Beth Moore's Believing God study. Same boss; didn't say nice things. I'm not who he said I was. I made huge progress.
- I learned to rely on God instead of myself.
This one really was slow in being revealed and harder for me to wrap my head around. Self-reliance is something we revere in this country, especially in the south. Our culture puts a lot of value on self-reliance. Self-reliance had become a huge idol for me. I had whole areas of my life that I had closed off to God. "I got this." Not now. No way. I am becoming completely God-reliant.
- I learned how to wait, and I understand now who I am waiting on. I am waiting on the LORD.
- My joy and my strength comes from the LORD.
Sunday School 101, I know. But I wasn't walking that out. I was looking to others and to my circumstances for joy and strength and more. When my life fell apart, and all I had was the LORD, I realized He is all I need.
- God really does work out the fruits of the spirit in us. We can't gut them out in our own strength.
Again, 101 stuff, but I finally get that. If you know me at all, you know I have the patience of a two-year old. But as I wait, through the power of God's Holy Spirit, I am at rest. I am patient. I have had joy in the absolute hardest time of my life. I am at peace when my life has been turned upside down. And I believe I am slowly but surely learning to love God's people well.
