Run? Are You Kidding Me?

If you know me and know my love of sports, know I'm fairly active, and know I played sports as a kid, you might think I'm a runner. I assure you, that couldn't be farther from the truth!

I try to save the feeling "hate" for hate-worthy things like cancer and Alzheimer's, but I VERY MUCH DISLIKE running.  

I briefly played basketball as a kid, junior pro and what not, but the year my junior high girls team went full court, that's the year I gave up basketball.  Too.  Much.  Running.

I was active.  I played fast-pitch softball for years, summer ball and high school ball, and I loved it.  But running?  Blech.  On the rare occasion that our coach made us run, I was a puker.  I'd have to stop and throw up.  My side hurts so bad it feels like a machete has been shoved under my rib cage.  Running the bases?  I almost literally groaned when I hit a triple. Too far to run!  I've been envious for years of my brother and dad who both love to run.  But kids, I am not a runner.

This year I turned 50.  My life isn't where I had planned it to be.  Lots of shattered dreams, hopes, plans.  Birthdays have never meant much to me, but this year I wanted to do something to mark the year.  Last year I did a foolish thing and declared I was going to do a half marathon in 2014.  If only I hadn't said it out loud!  Why would I want to do something I not only don't like, but I won't be any good at?!  David Landrith, I blame you.  Ever since you ran that marathon, I've been thinking about it.

I'm ridiculously competitive.  As a kid, I confess I never did anything that I couldn't be really good at.  Yeah, I'm still that kid.  I can't stand to lose.  So why would I want to run? I can't win!

2014 rolled in, and that ridiculous half marathon declaration kept haunting me.  In typical Kelly fashion, I procrastinated.  I missed the first marathon opportunity, the Country Music Marathon. Thankfully there was another one, the Women's Half Marathon benefiting breast cancer, so I still had hope to get it done.  But I kept putting it off.  I didn't sign up at the last possible minute, but nearly.

Two or three weeks ago I told my family about my intentions and my niece asked me, "Have you trained?"  Uhhhhhh. No?  I didn't train.  I was going to walk it.  Who needs to train to walk?  I'm a walking MACHINE!  But Emily, you got me thinking.  Thank you for that challenging question.

I finally got around to reading my confirmation email for the race.  I can walk this thing, right?  Yes, you can walk it.  But.  Under FAQs, I read this statement.  "All participants MUST complete the course within the course time limit."  Wait, what???  It went on to tell me I would be picked up by a TAIL VEHICLE if I went too slow.  Are you kidding me?  I did the math - clearly I was going to have to RUN a lot of this race if I was going to finish!  Uh oh.  I think I should have trained.

I decided I would rather die than be picked up by the TAIL VEHICLE (yes, ridiculously dramatic, that's me).  And if I finished close to last?  Ha!  Have I mentioned that I'm competitive?  Clearly I will never win a race, ever.  I don't run.  But I decided I needed to finish as close to three hours as I possibly could. I decided under 3:15 was my personal mark to beat. 

I set three other goals.  Yesterday, at 7am, I started my first race, ever.  By God's grace...

• I didn't throw up.
• I didn't get picked up by the dreaded trail car.
• I didn't quit.

And I finished in 3:05.

I'm a Little...Worn

Music...continues to speak to my soul...continues to be the cry of my heart.

Today on the drive to church, I heard a song by Tenth Avenue North that I had somehow not heard before.  The song is called "Worn."

In some ways, I hesitate to post such a somber song, with such somber lyrics.  I need people to know of God's goodness, His faithfulness, how He has never left me, how He sends me daily reminders that He hasn't forgotten me.  I want you to know how much God loves me, and He loves you, and what wonderful plans He has for our lives.

But you know, it doesn't mean that every day is easy.  If you have hard days, and I know you do, I want you to know that I do too.  Yes, God is still good.  Yes, God cares about me and for me deeply. Yes, He knows right where I am.  My faith has not wavered.  Even so, right now, today, I feel a little...Worn.  

God never wastes a hurt.  I'm trusting that someone out there needs to read this, to hear this song, to read these lyrics.



Tenth Avenue North - Worn (Official Music Video) from tenth-avenue-north on GodTube.

"Worn"
by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

All my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

I Blinked...and Three Years Went By

Three.  Years.  Wow.  Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future... you better believe it.  Time and tide, all that. 

Three years ago my life changed dramatically.  I say this not to focus on the past and grieve the losses.  Nope.  I say this to remind myself to be ever conscious of the journey since then; of God's amazing love, His goodness, His faithfulness.

Has it been easy? Ha! No way.  There have been some days that gut-wrenching pain was the only feeling I had.

From school, do you remember the phrase cogito ergo sum?  I think, therefore I am?  I remember one night spending some time figuring out the Latin for "I hurt, therefore I am."  Pretty silly, yes.  But  it gave me peace to fully acknowledge that the pain was threatening to pull me under.

Consider this. By acknowledging the pain, I was able to see that by God's grace I was still hanging in there.  I hurt, therefore I am gave me a good jumping off point to go to God with my pain.  Our lives are a beautiful offering to God, even when all we have to offer is our pain.

Then from that point of acknowledgement, the realization that yes, the pain is so bad, LORD, what a beautiful place for God to find me, love me well (Oh, how He loves us!) and take me to another place of truth.... 2 Cor 4:8-9  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
  
Read those words again.  Let them sink in.  Let them soothe your hurting heart.  We are not crushed, not in despair, not abandoned, and not destroyed.  God.  Is.  Faithful.  As Christ-followers, we never ever walk through the pain of life alone.

If you go back to my very first post, I explain how much music means to me, how it speaks to my heart.  Music is one of the most beautiful threads in the fabric of my life.  The soundtrack of my life plays in my head without ceasing.  

Here's what's been in my head these past few weeks.  Sorry Matt Redman, I don't hear you singing it.  I hear Brooke Voland from my church.  Thank you, Brooke, for dedicating your gifts and talents to Kingdom work.  I wish there was a video out there I could link to so you could hear her sing it too.  

But here's a link to Matt singing it...equally awesome.  And lyrics below.  Stand on this. Yes, it's a tough journey.  Awful, at times.  But never once do we ever walk alone.  God is faithful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=722zPX1npcA

"Never Once"

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

 

My Dad

Not a very creative title, I know.  But late on a Father's Day night, I'm keeping things simple.

I want you to know how my dad spent his Father's Day. By knowing that, you'll understand a lot about the unbelievable servant's heart he has.  My whole life I have watched my dad do for others quietly, selflessly, tirelessly.  He models so well the servant's heart of Christ.  Even now, at 79 years old, he has not stopped giving of himself.

Today is Father's Day.  On a day when every Hallmark card and every advertisement you see screams for dads to take it easy, put their feet up, have a cold one, live it up, do nothing, do something for themselves, whatever it takes to make them happy, let me tell you what MY dad did.

My parents recently gave me a riding lawn mower.  I haven't had a chance to mow yet, but now that I'm not working on Sundays, I'm ready to start.  I don't remember ever using a riding mower before, so I wasn't even sure how to start it.

Today after church, my dad (and mom, but I should've told you how wonderful she is on Mother's Day) came to my house, dressed and ready for yard work.  Dad patiently showed me how to start and use the lawn mower, and while I made my feeble first attempt to mow my somewhat holey, rocky, mole-infested yard, he worked, while all the while keeping a careful eye on me. He weed-eated (weed-ate? who the heck knows).  He picked up sticks. He trimmed my trees.  He spent half the afternoon serving ME, on HIS day.

Yes, later this evening we all got together for a nice meal and some good family fun, but what I'll remember about this day and so many countless others is how well my dad loves people by serving them.

Daddy, thank you for loving me so well.

Mark 10:45
Even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.

No Regrets, Part Deux

I mean really, do you have time to maintain all these regrets?  Aren't we living in a lost and dying world surrounded by people who need to know about Jesus?

Stop wasting time.  Go love.  Go tell the world about Jesus.

No Regrets

If I had to name one single word that defines how I have looked at my life, historically speaking as well as from one minute to the next, it would be regret.  Seriously.  Regret.  At times I have allowed regret to consume me, to paralyze me, to shame me, and ultimately, to neutralize me to be used to the fullest in God's kingdom.

I've regretted everything from parenting mistakes to buying the wrong shirt at Kohls.  Every. Single. Day. I have regretted SOMETHING.

Today, my pastor, David Landrith, shared a statistic with us that made me realize that I am not alone.  First he said that the number one felt and expressed emotion is love.  Well, that's good.  Love is certainly the most fundamental for Christ-followers.  God's been working with me on that one too.  But the number two?  Regret.  You guys have regrets too?  Seriously?  All this time I thought I was alone!

A regret-filled life is a life that is focused the wrong direction - the past.  Plus, it's ridiculously self-absorbed.  I'm not saying there are no lessons to be learned from past mistakes.  Heck no.  But if I am so consumed by past regrets that I'm missing where God is leading me TODAY, regret is standing between me and moving forward with God's plan for my life.  Frankly, it's sin.  And I'm sick to death of it.  Despite my desire to be different, I really haven't taken many steps to put it in my rearview mirror.

I have made a decision.  I am resolving to be different.  I am going to stop living a regret-filled life.

Goodness knows I can't be different on my own.  I've tried doing everything on my own, which is a theme for a whole 'nother day.

God does the work in us; He provides the power for us to walk it out.  He provides the grace to let our past go.  It's a total work of the God yes, but remember we choose to position ourselves for change.  We choose to surrender.  We say yes to God.  I'm saying yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord...yep, the music in my head is shouting that song!

Well, I know I'm walking with baby steps, but kids, I'm moving forward.  You coming?

I don't have time to maintain these regrets...when I think about the way...He loves us...Oh how He loves us so.

John Mark McMillan

"How He Loves"

Lessons Learned In State Custody

I quit one of my three part-time jobs last week. And brotha, it felt wonderful.

I've made a lot of jokes over the last 14 months about how my state job was state prison, how my cube was a jail cell, how I was hoping for parole or early release, that I was going over the wall...you name it, I've joked about it. And it wasn't a fun place. But the reality is, God had me there for a reason. I knew it from the beginning, and I never doubted His sovereign hand.

One day several months ago, I jotted down on a couple of yellow sticky notes some of the things that God was teaching me there. Tonight I made a half-hearted stab at cleaning out the bug (which again looks like it is the mobile home for a homeless person), and I found this short list. It's fairly random, and doesn't hang together well, but it's a part of my journey.

My list is certainly not all-inclusive; my goodness in that incubator God taught me so much it makes my head spin to think about. I've got PILES of lists and sticky notes and stuff I've written down during that experience. Whew! Like my pastor is fond of saying, many days it was like drinking water from a fire hydrant. But let me throw down this one stone of remembrance now, lest I forget what God taught me.

1. To hear from God, I needed to quiet the noise of my life.
   Yes, I've been working a ton to hold down three jobs, but my mind has been free to focus on God, especially in the state job. God SPEAKS, kids, and if we'll get quiet enough, we'll hear Him. I guarantee it.
   
   
2. I learned to love and pray for those who persecute me.
   My boss was a bully, and he persecuted me regularly. It took about a month for the shock to wear off and for me to start praying for him, and longer still for me to love him. But I got there.
    
3. I learned to trust God to be my defender.
   That one took a minute. I was treated unjustly by said bully quite a bit, and I wanted to spring to my defense. But God made it clear that I was to keep still. He even reminded me of a scripture my friend Cindy shared with me some time ago, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to remain still." (Exodus 14:14)
    
4. I learned to believe what God says about me, not what someone else says.
   That one has been ongoing for a while - it started when I was able to attend a few sessions of Beth Moore's Believing God study.  Same boss; didn't say nice things. I'm not who he said I was. I made huge progress.
    
5. I learned to rely on God instead of myself.
   This one really was slow in being revealed and harder for me to wrap my head around. Self-reliance is something we revere in this country, especially in the south. Our culture puts a lot of value on self-reliance. Self-reliance had become a huge idol for me. I had whole areas of my life that I had closed off to God. "I got this." Not now. No way. I am becoming completely God-reliant.
    
6. I learned how to wait, and I understand now who I am waiting on. I am waiting on the LORD.
    
7. My joy and my strength comes from the LORD.
   Sunday School 101, I know. But I wasn't walking that out. I was looking to others and to my circumstances for joy and strength and more. When my life fell apart, and all I had was the LORD, I realized He is all I need.
    
8. God really does work out the fruits of the spirit in us. We can't gut them out in our own strength.
   Again, 101 stuff, but I finally get that. If you know me at all, you know I have the patience of a two-year old. But as I wait, through the power of God's Holy Spirit, I am at rest. I am patient. I have had joy in the absolute hardest time of my life. I am at peace when my life has been turned upside down. And I believe I am slowly but surely learning to love God's people well.